Monday, December 30, 2002

Chicken pot PAH

Open ends of pouchy thing they wrap it in, and look at the directions. It says something like, "For big super hot microwaves, nuke it for 5 1/2 minutes or so."

I got clever, and decided to not only stick it in the microwave for a bit longer than that (6:15 minutes), but on power level 80.

Damn, I felt like I was finessing that pastry-capped little bowl of chickeny gloopy goodness. It did turn out really well, actually.

Microwave gourmet cooking. It's the new millennium.

10:21 PM 0 comments
Sunday, December 29, 2002

Pizza ma non Cilantro

some amount of left over pizza
ice (optional)
cilantro (way optional)

Locate your leftover pizza. Slap desired portion onto a plate. (A paper plate is fine, some paper towels will do in an extreme pinch.) Set microwave to one-minute and nine seconds and nuke away. (Adjust time according to portion size and microwave power.)

OK, you now have approximately sixty seconds to scour your refrigerator for fresh cilantro, or your cupboards for dried cilantro. (Advanced losers can try both, at your own risk.) If you find cilantro, immediately swear and toss it into the dustbin. Alternatively, cilantro makes excellent fodder for your garbage disposal, if it is working.

Serve Coke(tm) over ice and enjoy most good pizza! (Careful it may be hot!)

6:13 PM 0 comments

shake n bake pork
white rice
canned vegetable mix, cooked in tupperware in microwave for a half a minute or so, with a little butter, and if you can afford it some plastic wrap so you can fool yourself into believing it was somehow "steamed".

12:05 PM 0 comments
Saturday, December 28, 2002

3-4 thick slices of homemade zucchini bread (made by someone else at their home)
creamy peanut butter

Zap the bread a few seconds to make it slightly warm
Heap enormous mounds of peanut butter on each slice

Serve with a large cold glass of milk

9:45 PM 0 comments

1 can beans (I like navy beans, m'self)
2 small cans tomato sauce
fresh cilantro
green pepper
whatever the hell else you want

Open the can of beans. Dump it in a pot. Open the cans of tomato sauce. Dump in the same pot. Slice the non-end, non-yucky, yes-edible bits of onion into the pot. Rinse off the cilantro and tear off bits to dump into the pot (alternately, shake in some dried cilantro). Slice in the green pepper, or not. Dump in some garlic, or garlic powder if you're a plebe. My grandma puts pumpkin pieces in her beans sometimes, but it's not necessary. There's also these little envelopes of ham flavor you can dump in, although if you're doing it full bore you can also acheive the effect by frying a few small pieces of country (salt-cured) ham in the pot before adding the beans, etc. If the rice and beans are going to be a side dish, you can stop here. If it's going to be a main course, you can dump in some separately cooked meat or meat substitute (ground beef, bacon, crumbled soy burger, etc). Simmer on medium high until it smells good and the onion is clear and limp. Stir once in a while so it doesn't burn at the bottom. Serve over white rice cooked separately, preferably in a nifty rice cooker which is only $20 at walmart, you cheap bastards.

4:47 PM 0 comments

We got our first piece of fan mail today from Susan at easy bake coven.

Hi, Cooking Losers,
I enjoyed reading your weblog today. Nicely done.

right on!

11:42 AM 0 comments

slightly less retarded hamburgers

ground beef (of any sort, you can go cheap or fancy, depends on how big of a loser you really are. the measure of a man!)
bread crumbs
worcesteshire sauce mofo.
the word mofo

put that in a bowl, like you know you can.
fry it up, without oil because you are a bastard who forgets to buy things.
curse yourself for walking to the grocery store in the snow, and coming back without oil
mmmmm. meat. cackle at the vegans.

9:27 AM 0 comments

can you say cooking for losers?

9:25 AM 0 comments

1 can Chef Boyardee noodles and meat in neon orange sauce

Wake up to see small child about to drop 2.5 pound can on your head. Dodge.
Apply can opener to can. Stick fork in contents once open.
Huddle in blanket and mutter curses about being awake before 5am. Plan for nap as soon as neon orange sauce mess is cleaned up.

8:46 AM 0 comments
Friday, December 27, 2002

2 frozen boca burgers

pan fry in a little canola

2 pieces of sarah lee wheat bread
1 of the breads gets mayo, ketchup, dijonnaise, sliced onion, and shredded cheese

wonder where the pickles went. swear that you totally had some in the fridge the last time you had vegan meat for dinner.

put meat on paper towels. get the oil off. drop one on the bread with all the stuff, put shredded cheese on top of the soy. put on the other soy puck and then the other bread.

goes well with sam adams winter lager

7:55 PM 0 comments

First, throw out the rest of the leftover fish that gave you food poisoning.

3 cups filtered water in microwavable bowl, heat for 12 minutes, or until boiling. Add packet of Lipton chicken noodle soup. Nuke again for 5 minutes. let sit for a couple minutes.

Don't forget the oven mitts, as the bowl will be hot hot hot. Ladle out high-sodium broth and re-hydrated noodles and diced chicken meat into a small bowl. Eat slowly.

7:05 PM 0 comments

smoke bowl

open bag of sterzing's potato chips
open jar of applesauce
dip chips in applesauce

do not attempt this recipe with any other brand of potato chips. this is very important.

12:57 AM 0 comments
Thursday, December 26, 2002

grilled cheese for stoners

onions again
do the usual, fry them in real butter until brown
put them on a paper towel to drain some of the saturated fatness off
butter 2 pieces of potato bread. one side on each.
slice smoked gouda
put one piece butter side down in the pan
put the onions on top of that
more cheese
the other piece of bread (butter side up. you'll have to flip it at some point)
eat it and think that this is the best grilled cheese ever
giggle like a fool

1:49 PM 0 comments

1 baby. White is best. After all, it is the other, other white meat. Alternatively you could use a half-white, half-asian baby. The genetic mixing of flavors is truly something to savor.
1 white onion, minced
1 tomato, finely chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1 red bell pepper, chopped
2 cups peanut oil

Heat the peanut oil in a wok (authentic cookware!). Add the baby, onion, tomato, and peppers. Saute evenly. Be sure to turn the baby often for even cooking.

Serve with a nice bottle of tsingtao beer or some sake.

1:23 PM 0 comments

good noodles

1 package soft udon noodles (you can get these in asian grocery stores)
boil the noodles, throw away the salty flavor packet, drain
1 tablespoon natural peanut butter. mix this in when the noodles are still hot so it melts. do not use the ultraprocessed peanut butter for plebes. was re: skippy.
pull the tails off some leftover shrimp and add those. the shrimp, not the tails.
mix in some oyster sauce (or pad thai, teriyaki, or peanut sauce...but not all of them. you have to make a decision here, people.)
add some thinly sliced cucumbers

6:06 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, December 25, 2002

chai tea mix

1 cup nonfat dry milk powder
1 cup powdered non-dairy creamer
1 cup French vanilla flavored powdered non-dairy creamer
2 1/2 cups white sugar
1 1/2 cups unsweetened instant tea
2 teaspoons ground ginger
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon ground cardamom

blend in blender until consistency of fine powder. stir two heaping spoonfuls into mug of hot water.

7:55 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, December 24, 2002

freschetta frozen cheese pizza bought on sale that's been in the freezer for months. take old onion out of the fridge, slice really small. top pizza with it and some minced garlic out of a jar. bake and eat.

10:04 PM 0 comments

cinnamon scone (microwaved, 30 seconds on high)
2 or 3 Sour Skittles

8:46 AM 0 comments

the other half of yesterday's apple pie bagel
more generic cream cheese
more coffee

7:07 AM 0 comments

Hot and Sour Soup

1 Cup o' Noodles
Dash hot oil
Vinegar to taste
Boiling water

That's it. Yum.

6:24 AM 0 comments
Monday, December 23, 2002

use 1/4 lbs regular ground beef
1/4 onion
1 egg
no bread crumbs cause u suck
worcesteseshire sauce if you are a hoity toity rich folk
some other spicy shit if you are a high priced hollywood whore
spicy buns from the store, toasted on the oven rack like a true professional

add all the shit except the buns into the only bowl you have which is actually a tupper ware container
sit around drinking beer
patty the shit and throw it into a frying pan
cook the shit
eatit on a bun with cheese,
wow aren't you feeling good now? full stomach for beer.

Later on you find Crunchy M&M's in your poket from the greasy british candy shop and you eat them, while playing BF1942, wonderng if they are different from Canadian M&M crispys and thinking you paid at least 10cents more for them so they better be

9:49 PM 0 comments

When you get off the bus, make a right into the parking lot of the garishly-lit convenience store. Purchase one side dish of spinach souffle, as well as some chicken and noodle frozen dinner, or a turkey tetrazzini thing.

The spinach souffle does taste better if you over-cook it in the microwave, so leave it a bit longer - the crusty edges and stuff will begin to brown and harden ever so slightly, and they're just tasty that way. The chicken/turkey/noodle/rice dish won't have some sort of apple compote component this time, but that's OK.

Because you bought Sour Skittles for dessert.

6:59 PM 0 comments

Put smart menu chik nuggets in oven at 400° for 10 minutes. After 5 minutes lose patience and stick in microwave for 45 seconds. Eat with Choy sweet and sour sauce. Warning: do not eat cold.

5:50 PM 0 comments

heat up some Kraft Dinner according to directions on side of box
In boiling water, heat up 4 hot dogs for around 5 minutes
Cut hot dogs into 1/2 inch segments.
Stir hot dogs into Kraft Dinner.
Stir in salsa to taste.
lightly sprinkle teaspoon of brown sugar into concoction and stir it in.

9:31 AM 0 comments

half a sarah lee dutch apple bagel
store brand plain cream cheese

7:49 AM 0 comments
Sunday, December 22, 2002

a beamish for dessert

8:00 PM 0 comments

cored apple, cut apple into slices. cut some cheese into slices. piled on apple slices.

7:01 PM 0 comments

opened can of spaghettios
emptied into bowl
heated on high for 2 minutes

6:36 PM 0 comments

dinner tonight

melt a half stick of real butter in a frying pan.
slice a little over half a red onion
add a can of del monte new potatoes to the butter
add the onion
let it fry untl the onions are brown and the potatoes nearly black
drink a pint of london pride with it

6:11 PM 0 comments

New York Strip Steak from independent butcher
melt 1/4 stick butter in medium-sized bowl and dip both sides of the steak into butter
rub the contents of one packet of McKormick's Montreal Steak Marinade into steak
Grill the first side for 8 minutes and then the other for 6 minutes

10:56 AM 0 comments


squid from an asian grocery
defrost it, slice into rings
dip in egg
dip in progresso italian breadcrumbs
dip into boiling canola for a minute or two

7:45 AM 0 comments