Friday, February 28, 2003

Let's hear it for Mott Cromby again

Mustard and Relish Deviled Eggs

All you need for this delectable loser snack is 3 or 4 or 5 eggs, some ordinary yellow mustard, and relish. Mustard and relish, as you know, never go bad - which is why everyone always seems to have a partially used container of each in the fridge!

Boil the eggs for as long as you're supposed to boil them to make hard-boiled eggs. This might be 3-4 minutes, or it might be more like 8-10. If you're not sure, ask someone else in the house or, as a last resort, call Mom. (Warning: if your Mom is the type to worry about the loserish tendecies of offspring with chronically bare refrigerators, you might not want to bother her. But if you're certain your Mom doesn't give a crap, call her, because it's sort of a prerequiste even among the most deliquent Moms to know this sort of stuff.)

So you've got your hard-boiled eggs. Cool them by dumping out the boiling water and replacing with cold water from the tap. Then de-shell them the best you can. There's an art to this. Enough said.

Once the eggs are peeled, cut them in half and remove each portion of yolk with a teaspoon. Put the naked yolks in a bowl, the peeled half-whites on a paper plate, and let everything cool in the fridge for a while. Go drink another beer. Or four.

Later, crumble the cooled yolks in the bowl with a fork, stirring in quantities of mustard and relish to taste, until you have a sickly-looking greenish yellow paste. Apply the paste to the yolkless concavites of the egg whites and voila! They're not yolkless anymore!

Eat and think to yourself how it's not half-bad. This more or less tasty snack that can, as always, be considerably livened up by snapping on your metaphorical beer-goggles.

(Note: If you've used some kind of fancy mustard, like Grey Poupon, you are way ahead of the game. Sweet relish or dill works equally well. That other kind of relish with the bits of red stuff in it works really well. And if you're entertaining, rolling the egg whites in paprika or chili powder can impart a measure of credibility, while keeping the snack comfortably within the parameters of loserdom.)

9:26 AM 0 comments
Thursday, February 27, 2003

Ladies man and shambling mound Paul Robinson shares his recipe for slop:

1 Large Can Chili
4-5 packs ramen (Adjust for more or less people)
1 can Mr. Pibb / Dr. Pepper / The Skipper or equivalent (optional)

Cook Ramen in boiling water according to directions on package, only using about 1/2 the amount of water usually
specified on package, which means about 1 cup water for each pack. This makes the ramen a bit firmer than usual. You
may add the flavoring pouch for taste if desired.

Cook the chili in a separate pan. Mix the ramen into the chili without adding the water from the ramen.

The chili may be a bit thick. Thin the chili with some of the broth from the Ramen according to how much chili gravy
you want..

For a sweeter taste, use some Dr. Pepper in place of water. Note that Dr. Pepper type soft drinks are the ONLY ones
you can do this with, Dr. Pepper type is the only soft drink that you can heat and it is drinkable. Any other soft
drink will go bad when exposed to heat.

When it's hot, it's ready.

When you see what it looks like, you'll know why I call it "Slop."

4:10 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, February 26, 2003

From guest loser Mark:

OK, here is my recipe for Delightful One Bean Loser Salad:

Find bowl in heap of dirty dishes in the sink, and wash only it, using
shampoo since you're out of dishwashing liquid. Open that can of garbanzo
beans that has been in the cupboard since before you moved in. Drain liquid
from beans, and if you're feeling energetic, rinse them. All this can be
accomplished without removing beans, if you are a clever loser. OK,
now remove the beans, putting them in your one clean bowl. Dig
around in refrigerator for that one bottle of blue cheese dressing that is
one tenth full and hasn't gone bad. Pour on top of beans, mix and eat!
Mmmmmm! Now put bowl back on pile in sink, and wonder if you can afford to
invest in paper plates.

I used this recipe two nights ago. I should be on cable TV, no?

9:03 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Not necessarily a recipe, more a lifestyle

Get really big bag of hard cheezies. Not nacho or other non-traditional somesuch. Hawkin's is best. Open.

line them up on the arm of a comfortable chair in the living room. go from smallest to biggest. use the other arm of the chair if you need to. don't lay out a tea-towel under them or anything.
eat from small to large. or large to small if you must, but that's a little mental.
alternate hard-crunching with slowly letting cheezie melt.
do not use dip. preserve the integrity of the cheezie. long may it reign.

12:39 AM 0 comments
Monday, February 24, 2003

whomp of grain in a goddamn bowl
or, loser tabouli

tabouli was on sale last week! you like it, so you bought a box of mix. now you'd like to enjoy it. here's how:
pour the bag of stuff inside the box into a bowl. forget that you have a clean, appropriately sized bowl in the dishwasher and use the way too big one.
add however much water they want you to.
add 1 tablespoon of olive oil rather than the recommended 2 tablespoons. your ass isn't getting any smaller, bessie.
lucky you! grape tomatoes were also on sale and you got a humdinger of a boxful. cut them lengthwise and toss them in until it looks like as many as you'd want in your snack.
stir it around.
cover it with saran wrap and put it in the refrigerator. the box says it will be ready in an hour but i have found the box to be a lying, thieving ne'er-do-well. i'd give it a couple hours.
when you are ready to eat it, stir it around some more. transition some portion to a smaller bowl for an individual serving if that is the sort of thing you prefer.

5:17 PM 0 comments
Friday, February 21, 2003

hors d'orks

Open tin of Appel herring in dijon sauce. Dig out some small pieces with a fork. Place on water crackers. Arrange on 1/3 of the largest plate you own. Peel clementine. Arrange the wee wedges on another 1/3 of said plate. Retrieve handful of Girl Scout cookies from freezer. Can you guess where they go? Open bottle of Hollandia. Watch L&O:SVU.

9:49 PM 0 comments

makin' bacon.

whether you're the man or the woman, bring it home. put bacon on a dish, one of those microwave, ribbed, hard-plastic ones if you've got one but who in god's name does? put bacon in the nuker for 4 minutes. turn the sizzling strips over onto other side, pausing just to swear at bacon burning fingers mercilessly. another 2 minutes. while exposing tasty pork strips to electromagnetic waves, get soft white bread or the butts in the freezer and toast. slather with butter, then the bacon, (sop up excess grease with SUBWAY napkins in kitchen drawer but leave a glisten) then the lettuce, then the razor-thin tomato slices THEN the mayonnaise. mayo must sit right beside the tomatoes, because they are inseparable.

enjoy delicious sandwich.
and more importantly, amazing home aroma.

bacon is the new pirates of the internet.

6:46 PM 0 comments

valentine's day is over, and according to the candy marketing machine, that means it's easter! while we have almost two whole months to enjoy our favorite easter candy, the c*db*ry creme egg, this glorious season will be over far too soon. friends, take advantage of those day-after-easter blowout sugar sales. buy a case of creme eggs. put them in your freezer. take them out one at a time and let them come to room temperature for an hour or so for original creme-y goodness, or eat at any stage of frozen for a chewy treat. you'll thank me in a few more months when all you can think about is licking the creme out of a chocolate egg.

4:29 PM 0 comments

Shame Snack

1) Go to little sandwich shop in your building with the crazy bi-polar waitress lady.
2) Order whatever you think will make her the least mad.
3) Do not find ATM card. Freak out.
4) Have bi-polar lady give you the sandwich and tell you to "pay me when you find the card later".
5) Thank her, go back to work.
6) Completely forget about this episode for a good 2 weeks.
7) Suddenly remember, avoid first floor of your building all together.
8) Think about what a terrible person you are.

12:59 PM 0 comments

Corporate Power Breakfast for One

Stand at the counter, looking sort of lost and tired. Find change purse. Find wallet, find that little packet of breath mints you thought you'd lost. Get distracted, and then annoyed when there's no one there to help you.

Look hungry, smile. People like when you smile, otherwise you're a sucky customer. Order cinnamon scone, grasp it firmly in hand as you shift wallet, purse, change purse, and juggle ID card to get through to the elevator banks and up to your floor.

Sit at desk, check Wall Street Journal for stock price, boot up computer. Break scone into little crumbly sweet fattening morsels. Eat slowly, wash down with ice water.

At least it's Friday.

8:59 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, February 19, 2003

The previously mentioned rupert has a dessert for us, too:

Continuing on the theme of cheese here is a dish to delight the finer pallete.


softened cream cheese

Take an old packet of buscuits and crush them with your fist into a metal round
dish next melt some butter in a pan and pour it over the crushed buscuits pat
them down with your fists....add some chopped nuts or something.
Next and this is very important put the dishin the fridge.
Wait for as long as you want to
Take the dish out off the fridge and spoon the creme cheese over the top of the
buscuits put some jam on top and throw strawberries on top and put in the
You can substitute the jam for for grated chocolate.

10:33 PM 0 comments

really good veggie soup

clean out freezer
assemble half-eaten bags of frozen vegetables from those spirited grocery store trips where you vow you are going to start eating better. throw vegetables (my selection included broccoli, cauliflower, peas, carrots, mushrooms, and corn) into that avocado green crockpot you got at a garage sale for $2. throw in a can of stewed tomatoes because if you don't that can is just going to sit in the cupboard for the next 6 months until you move. honestly, who the hell bought a can of stewed tomatoes? throw in some tomato juice and some spicy hot V8 and stir the stuff around. add more of either liquid if the mixture isn't quite as soupy as you desire. turn the crockpot on high and ignore for about five hours. if you happen to walk past the crockpot, feel free to poke a wooden spoon in there and stir things up. accompany soup with a large chunk of crusty bread.

3:22 PM 0 comments

guest loser alhaji shaba muktar writes:


Sorry about that. Wrong fanmail. I mean Mott Cromby wraps up meat and condiments.

Rolled Lunchmeat Tortilla and Cheese

Take a large flour tortilla. Put 4 or 5 slices of lunchmeat* on it. Slice up some Velveeta* into 1/4" thick rectangular hunks and place them in the center of the lunchmeat. Roll up the tortilla, placing the weight of it on the loose end, or flap, or whatever you want to call it, so that the whole thing stays rolled up.

Place rolled tortilla on paper plate. Cover with another paper plate. Microwave for 1 min. 30 secs. or until Velveeta starts to ooze.

Eat and stare blankly.

* Lunchmeat is the crucial variable here. For a true loser snack, choose any obscure brand of bologna or olive loaf. For more refined palates, sliced roast beef or smoked turkey breast will suffice equally.

* Cheese entails similar variability. For a more loser-ish snack, substitute any brand of processed Cheese Food "Singles." For more refined palates, and kind of shrink- wrapped block cheese will suffice.

6:35 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Pasta and pyrotechnics from guest loser rupert:

Heres one for first time cooking losers and can appear quite impressive in low
light with loads of cheap red wine.
.plus it shows youve made the effort.

macaroni cheese

macaroni type pasta

Turn on the oven and leave it real high.
Take a large oven proof bowl (one that can be put in the oven without melting)
and leave it somewhere.
Next make some white sauce put some flour and butter in a saucepan over a high
heat untill it starts to burn all the time adding lots of milk and stiring.
Next take the big bowl and toss in any kind of pasta, toss in any kind of
cheese, grate it if you want to and stir in the white sauce and stir it around
with your fingers.
Put two or three spoons of mustard or anything that tastes nice and stir it with
your fingers.
Put it in the oven until it catches fire.
Finally sprinkle with pepper and serve.

7:29 AM 0 comments
Monday, February 17, 2003

Guest loser andy has 2 recipes and a field trip.

I have two recipes for you, but first, go to the store. Get a chunk of feta cheese (pre-crumbled if they have it), a tomato, some olive oil, some French or Italian bread, and some fresh parsley. Also buy some Yuengling, some chips, and some honey (if you don't already have these).

The First Recipe:
This is a good recipe that you can use to fake culinary sophistication.

Dice your tomato (that means cut it up pretty small). Put the pieces in a cereal bowl. If you bought a chunk of feta that was about three times bigger than a zippo, cut half of it off and crumble it into the cereal bowl. It will crumble easily, so don't get carried away. Then get your parsley and tear a bunch of the leaves off. Use something sharp to chop them up pretty small. Add these to the bowl, so that there are enough that you notice them, but not enough that there are too many.

Slice the bread. Put it in the oven and toast it. Check it every minute or two to see if it's crisp. Take it out when it is. Drizzle a little olive oil on it.

Go back to your cereal bowl and mix up the contents pretty good. Then you put some on the bread and voila, an easy snack, or appetizer, or whatever. Takes about 5-10 minutes, not counting the grocery trip.

The Second Recipe
A fast easy snack for the loser with the munchies: tortilla chips and honey.

Step 1: Put honey on chip
Step 2: Eat
Step 3: Wash down with beer
Step 4: Repeat

6:17 AM 0 comments
Sunday, February 16, 2003
7:33 PM 0 comments

A late night snack that's sure to keep you up even later:

Take one flour tortilla from the fridge and warm it slightly in the microwave.
Spread a bit of cream cheese on it. Spread a bit of spicy sweet mustard on it.
Top with a few slices of your favorite lunchmeat - pastrami, ham, turkey; this recipe does not work well with tofu products.
Roll and consume. May be cut into multiple little rolly-things if more food is desired.

If you need that little taste of sweet after consuming such a scrumptious late night treat, dip a spoon in the leftover chocolate frosting and lick clean.

2:29 AM 0 comments
Saturday, February 15, 2003

Guest loser Panacea has something for you eligible cooking man-losers

Bachelor Chicken Dinner

Suitable for sort of impressing your date, at least if they aren't vegetarian anyway.

About half an hour before they are supposed to come over, pull two frozen boneless chicken breasts out ofthe freezer. (Or more, if you are into that sort of thing.)Rub with oil, then sprinkle with Cajun seasoning blendwhich is the cooking loser's friend because it covers up freezer burn pretty well. Wrap each piece of chicken in
tin foil and throw them in the oven which you now remember you should have turned on to 350F before you started this project so it would have time to preheat. (Make sure the chicken packets have the open side of the foil up because if enough crud accumulates in
the bottom of your oven you will set off the smoke alarm.)

Take two (or however many) potatoes which are not too scrungy (cut off any sprouty bits), scrub and slash the long way, wrap in foil and throw in the oven with the chicken.

Fix yourself a drink. Hope your date shows up on time.Decide what the hell, if they don't show up at least you will have leftovers. When your date shows up, fix them a drink, but don't start making snooky on the couch because dinner's in the oven.

When the chicken and potatoes have been in there for about 45 minutes, go back in the kitchen and throwsome frozen veggies or pre-cut carrots in the steamer basket. (Those stupid folding steamer baskets youcan get for under five bucks US are really the loser's friend, because you can steam veggies in them and
*NOT GET THE POT DIRTY* because steam is just boiling water and if it's boiled, it's clean, right?) Steaming the veggies will take between five and ten minutes depending on whether they were fresh or frozen, what they were (carrots take longer than broccoli) and how cooked you want them.

About this time the oven should be hissing and might even be belching black smoke if you didn't listen to what I said about putting the seam in the tin foil on the top. Turn the oven off. With potholders or tongs pull out the little foil-wrapped gobbies of chicken and potatoes, and throw some bread in the hot-but-off oven to warm up while you peel the foil off and put the chicken
and taters on plates. Then serve your steamed veggies, and hot bread, butter on the side and a nice glass of wine (or several).

And look, no nasty roasting pan! Just a bunch of tin foil you can wad up and put in your neighbors' recycling bin!

9:20 AM 0 comments
Friday, February 14, 2003

Diet Eggnog
you will need:
2 tbsp heavy cream
1 raw egg
1 tbsp powdered milk
whole milk
1/8 tsp vanilla

Combine all ingredients except whole milk in glass, then fill the rest of the way with milk. Sure, it's high in fat but it tastes great. And it's diet because with the raw egg there's a slim chance that you'll get salmonella and lose like 30 pounds. Separate the egg and beat the white before adding for extra fluffiness.

11:59 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Guest loser Boz is back again

Potato Chip Sando

Take 2 slices of bread, any kind, I prefer white bread, because … well because I am so white bread.
Take 1 slice of your favorite luncheon meat, mine is bologna because I am full of it.
Spread your favorite sando spread liberally, because, yes, you guessed it, I am a liberal, on both pieces of bread.
Place luncheon meat on one slice of bread.
Open a bag of potato chips, stale chips will not do. Take at least half a dozen whole chips and cover the luncheon meat side of the sando. Take the other piece of bread and scrunch the sando together.
Eat, and enjoy the sando while pretending that the crunching chip sounds are crunching lettuce sounds, thus deluding yourself into believing that you have a healthy diet.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

6:51 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 11, 2003


Drive home from work. Think about how nice it would be to have a drink. Consider beer, find it tiring. Head to grocery store. Peruse liquor aisle. Think that being able to buy all sorts of booze in the grocery store at damn near any time you want is a small perk to living in Missouri.

select 9.00 bottle of Seagram's gin
add 2 bottles of Vess tonic water
and 2 limes

Head home. Realize it's been about 2 years since you've made ice and unless the ice fairy magically visits your apartment in the next 5 minutes there won't be any. Stop at 7-11. Scrape change out of cupholder in car and buy a bag of ice. Go home for real this time.
Slice lime into wedges, beat the ever lovin shiznit out of the bag of ice to dislodge pieces to fit in short tumbler. Fill about 1/4 of the glass with gin. Pause. Ponder. Fill about 1/3 of the glass with gin. Open bottle of tonic water. Curse as it spooges all over the counter and the floor. Fill the rest of the glass with the tonic water and squeeze a bit o' lime on top. Drop lime in glass. Sigh. Chill out on futon.

10:58 PM 0 comments
Monday, February 10, 2003

Group Project

A kumquat is neither.


1:04 PM 0 comments
Sunday, February 09, 2003

Guest loser Stu Savory

Steaming Hot (Infernally) Tuna

Early morning, half awake.
Open tin of tuna, tip out onto plate.
(ravenous kitten getting under your feet, tripping you up,
so lift kitten onto kitchen table.).

Add triple portion Tabasco to tuna. Put plate into microwave.
Doorbell rings. Go sign with postman for registered letter.

Return. Close microwave door & start.
Make toast. Make Coffee. Microwave rings.

No, I will not continur writing beyound this point, urrgghhh (sic).

12:15 PM 0 comments
Friday, February 07, 2003

honorary cooking loser

today my roommate learned the difference between the 'bake' feature and the 'broil' feature on our oven dial after attempting to broil a digiorno spinach and mushroom pizza for 20 minutes.

11:17 PM 0 comments

Guest loser Ryan makes us a sammich!

First, check all three bags of mostly-gone bread bags to see which one has the least chance of having mold on a piece other than the butt. Mix and match any two pieces that won't crumble to the ground when picked up. Plug in $9.99 Sandwich maker from Target (that's Tar-jay). Wait until the green light comes on. Meanwhile, pray one of those cheap packets of America's Choice lunchmeat (so they say) in your fridge hasn't expired. If a skin that normally doesn't appear around turkey is hanging on, pull it off. Do not try to figure out what it is! Grab a slice of cheese. If no slices are left and you have a packet of Parmesan cheese left over from the night before when you ordered Papa John's, you can substitute, although it doesn't melt real well. Then put contents between the two sorry pieces of bread and place on one side of the sandwich maker that you have been too lazy to clean for the past month. Expect the sandwich to stick to surface because of this. Close lid and turn on radio. Play air guitar for approximately one minute. The green light should be off. Lift lid and grab the sharpest thing in your drawer or sink if not one utensil is left in the drawer. Saw back and forth until sandwich comes loose. Do not look at sandwich before eating. Throw in mouth while concentrating on anything other than the taste that is exuding from the object you are cosuming. Repeat all steps if hunger feeling has not gone away. Or just eat a piece of bread plain because that did not taste very good anyway. :)

10:38 PM 0 comments
Thursday, February 06, 2003

Coffee Crack

Hit snooze alarm at least three times. Get up after untangling yourself from the veritable swaddling clothes you've created for yourself out of bedsheet, comforter, quilt, and a few articles of clothing you neglected to toss onto the floor before you dropped off into oblivionsweetoblivion the night before. Bladder's full, right? So take care of that before anything else, even if your adorable cat is glaring at you from the kitchen table, glaring, seething, pawing at that piece of tissue paper you left there, the crinkle crinkle rasp noise just about driving you insane. She knows this, too. She very well fucking knows this. It's only her cuteness that keeps you from killing her, after all. It's now 6:19 AM, and the cat wants her kibble.

Feed cats, then stumble over to the pantry for the large white coffee mug that says, "Hi, my name is Chad, and I'll be your coffee mug today." It is a pleasing mug, if somewhat plain, for it does not taper at any point - its mouth is as wide as its base, and it sits solidly wherever you place it. After filling it with filtered water, place it (solidly) onto the rotating dish in the microwave, hit two-oh-oh, and set that puppy to 'waving.

While that does its radioactive-surely-it-must-be-carcinogenic dance, check e-mail. Wait hungrily for that prolonged beep. Rescue Chad the Mug from the microwave, and shuffle to the pantry once more to retrieve International Foods' coffee powder sugar crap in either White Chocolate Froo Froo or Bitter Carbo Explosion Orange Cappuccino. Dump two very healthy rounded tablespoons on top of the heated water, being careful to dip the spoon into the mug along the side so that the powder does not stick to the spoon in a slimy gunge, and will therefore mix into the water pleasingly, creating a hot, sweet, slightly coffee-like liquid that you may then sip at leisure while ripping songs to MP3 and putting on boots, etc.

For added Crack-ness, a half-spoon of Taster's Choice will give you extra added oomph and nastiness that will certainly wake you up the right way.

Viva la Coffee Crack!

10:46 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Guest loser Thena gives us

Blurp... because that was the noise it made when you tried to get it out of the

Step 1:

Version A: Prepare a box of the cheapest no-frills macaroni and pseudocheese
according to package directions, except you can leave out the butter if you
don't have any;


Version B: Cook the noodles from a package of Ramen, then drain them and add
as much of the seasoning packet as you can stand to the damp noodles (they look
like brains, don't they?);


Version C: Discovering that you have no ramen or macaroni-and-food-coloring
left in the cabinet, scrape together the dregs of three or four kinds of dried
pasta, you know, the stuff that's been left in the bag forever because there
was too much to throw out but not enough to actually bother cooking? Well, dump
it all together and cook it, drain, then add a can of cream-of-anything soup,
and if you're feeling frisky, one of the following: curry powder, chili powder,
garlic salt, italian salad dressing, lemon pepper, barbecue flavoring, bouillon
(mixing too many of these is not recommended);

You can eat it at this point but for genuine blurp, continue to

Step 2:

To whatever version of pasta plus vaguely flavored sauce, add some combination
of freezer-burnt vegetables (usually peas or broccoli), leftover meat, or that
little chunk of cheese you found in the secret compartment in the fridge
(making sure to remove all mold that isn't supposed to be there; if this leaves
you with no cheese, skip it.)

You might have to add a little butter, oil or water if the result looks like
it's going to stick to the pan. You are aiming for a texture wetter than
cookie dough and stickier than soup. When everything you threw in there is
heated through, and the cheese is all melted and gooey, eat it straight from
the pan over the stove, because if you try to serve it into a dish like the
civilized person your mother swore you would never grow up into, it will make a
really disgusting noise.

It actually tastes pretty good, though.

10:21 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Don't You Step On My Blue Suede Oh My God I'm Having A Coronary Cakes

1. Set 911 to speed dial.
2. Make pancakes
3. Cover in peanut butter
4. Eat and listen to Elvis
5. Die.

12:05 PM 0 comments
Monday, February 03, 2003

Rigatoni Carbonotsogood

Boil a bag rigatoni noodles.
About 2/3 of the way through start making the sauce. I used the Knorr kind that comes in an envelope. In fact, I used two. Not because it was so amazing that I thought doubling it would make it that much more better, but because I had 16 oz. of pasta and one envelope is good for 8.
Drain pasta. Pour sauce on top. Mix profusely.
Open a Newcastle.
Shovel forkful of pasta in face. Take a another bite because you think you missed something. Yeah. Something that tastes like carbonara sauce. Eye directions on Knorr envelope making sure sauce was made correctly. Eat rest of bowl because you're hungry. Stare at large pot on stove that contains pasta with library paste. Put in gladware. Curse because you know that pot is not going to be easy to clean. Consider tossing some garlic salt on the leftovers tomorrow. Shrug.

9:01 PM 0 comments

prepare one frozen morningstar farms corn dog in the microwave. eat with mustard and organic ketchup. decide you're not full yet. prepare miniature frozen quiches in microwave. consume (careful, the contents of this pastry may be hot). revel in the miracle that is the microwave.

2:09 AM 0 comments
Sunday, February 02, 2003

Behavioral Disorder Banana Bread

a job like mine
2 overripe bananas
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 stick margarine
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
2 cups flour

go to work and upon walking in the door have your coworker ask you go to the store to get marshmallows and margarine so that the three hugeass boxes of rice krispies in the kitchen can be put to some use before they get stale. return from the store to discover that one of the residents has dumped all three boxes of rice krispies in the garbage for absolutely no reason. decide to make banana bread because the other residents are amped for some sort of baked good and there are about two dozen overripe bananas hanging around the kitchen. smash two bananas with a fork and add other ingredients more or less in the order stated above. pour banana batter into three little greased bread pans and bake at 350 for 30 minutes. while bread is baking, run damage control around the rest of the house. remove pans from oven and place on counter to cool. continue to run damage control. return to the kitchen to discover that one of the residents (presumably the one responsible for the rice krispie incident from earlier) has decided to spread approximately 2 jars worth of peanut butter on top of the hot banana bread loaves. ask resident why he has chosen to defile your banana bread in such a manner. chase fleeing resident outside and plead with him not to bang his head on the brick wall of the house. realize for the 239223rd time that you totally do not get paid enough to do this job. look at your watch, realize it's 3pm and you get to go home. leave the peanut butter and banana bread mess for the people working the next shift.

7:47 PM 0 comments

Loser Pita

Take out your piece of pita bread. Cut it in half and put one half in each toaster slot. Toast. While it's toasting, get a bowl and put some honey in it. Dump some cinnamon on top of the honey. Your pita is done toasting now. Take it up and cut it into triangles if you like that sort of thing. Submerge your pita triangles in the honey and cinnamon and eat them. You can also have a clementine with your snack if your mom gave you a sack of them.

12:07 PM 0 comments
Saturday, February 01, 2003

Scavenger Hunt

Wake up insanely early. Sigh in defeat as you know that this is Saturday and somehow you've been scheduled for a 10.5 hour shift. Turn on radio. Listen to BBC World Service. Thank some deity that the local npr station has this on Sat Mornings instead of insipid Only a Game. Make mental note to send them a fat check next pledge drive. Check cash reserve. Note that it isn't that much. Realize there is a kitchen full of pudding cups a few feet away. Start assembling lunch.

Fry up some potatoes and onions. We've been through this before. Pack those up in one of those gladware containers.
1 blood orange
1 regular orange
1 granola bar
1 vanilla yogurt
1 pudding cup
1 fruit cup
1 ziploc bag of carrot chips accompanied by a small cup of hummus
1 envelope of kikkoman instant wakame

Stuff most of this into lunchbox and the rest in the bookbag. Decide this is more than enough to get through the day.

Drink coffee (cream, no sugar)

6:52 AM 0 comments