Wednesday, January 29, 2003

fish and laundry
throw an undetermined amount of fish sticks onto a cookie sheet and put them into a preheated oven. run upstairs to the washing machine to transfer laundry from the washer to the dryer. discover unfamiliar person unloading your stuff out of the washing machine for you. drop quarters due to shock of some complete stranger fondling your underthings. curse and retrieve quarters from under the dryer. curse and retrieve underwear from stranger. throw laundry in the dryer and go back downstairs, where the fish sticks await. rummage around the fridge and discover that you indeed have a jar of tartar sauce, but it expired in may of 2002. throw jar away and check label on the jar of mayonnaise. having passed inspection, spoon a glop of mayo in a small dish and add a ton of dill weed. stir and use as some sort of fish stick dipping sauce.

9:28 PM 0 comments

Drink very dark beer and eat Whoppers™ or some other quality malted milk ball product.

11:25 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 28, 2003

post-holiday diet meltdown lunch

Come home for lunch cranky and irritated. Look in the freezer...yep, all those friggin' diet meals are still there, though the supply has diminished some over the last couple of weeks. Grab the first one within reach. Doesn't matter what kind, natch, because you've already had all the varieties at least twice. Open the box and cut a slit in the film cover. On your way to the microwave, spot the Wavy Lay's Hidden Valley Ranch flavor chips. Put meal into microwave, set timer for 6 1/2 minutes. Before closing the door all the way, sneak one chip out of the bag. Mmmmm. Eat a few more and contemplate the meal in the microwave. Casually stroll into the bathroom, weigh yourself, and reconfirm that you've still got two pounds to go until you reach your goal. Return to the microwave. After a moment, say firmly: "Fuck it!". Take the meal out of the microwave, replace the meal in the box, and return the box to the freezer. Continue eating the Wavy Lay's without counting and be sure to wash them down with a Diet Coke.

3:03 PM 0 comments

Thickly sliced Wheat Berry bread, baked a few days previously in the bread machine. Thin layer of mayonnaise, Hellman's. Consider slicing tomato, but it's so late, and you've been working so hard, and there's nothing quite so annoying as gluey gooey little tomato guts spooged all over a plate, so you just go with lettuce as the vegetable. It's iceberg lettuce, but come on, the crispy cold wateriness of it just makes the sandwich, you know? Romaine and other greens usually just serve to make the sandwich feel dryer and more unwieldly, no matter how much healthier it is. Anyway.

Bread, mayo, lettuce. Now, open the vacuum-sealed re-sealable package of lean turkey cold cuts, and lay several slices (as they are very thin) over the lettuce. Press it all together into this lush-looking cheap sandwich, and tie it up in a plastic bag. Add to the lunch bag one cup of chocolate pudding, as well as the tangerine your girlfriend was going to leave on the table at Clarke's, but you took it because, well, waste not, want not. And it was a pretty little tangerine, and you so need your vitamin C and all.

Munch happily by the cold windows in the lunch area, taking a few meditative minutes to really peel that tangerine carefully, as its skin is so much thinner than your run-of-the-mill oranges.

2:07 PM 0 comments
Monday, January 27, 2003

Bowl Appetit!

My new nuker delicacy. Betty Crocker Bowl Appetit. Add hot water, stir well, nuke for 4.5-6 minutes. Eat. Tasty pasta or rice goodness. I am considering eating it everyday until I get violently ill.

12:08 PM 0 comments

tuna loser casserole

one bag of lipton noodles and sauce. since they all taste the same, it doesn't really matter which. i think i used sour cream and chive flavor.

take bag of peas from freezer. hack at it with a wooden spoon until you free some up. drop freed peas into boiling water.

add the noodles and sauce. about a minute from being done, add a can of tuna. stir. let it sit for a few minutes, then you can eat it.

11:53 AM 0 comments
Sunday, January 26, 2003

Santa Fe Stew, aka "Lazy Man's Knockout Gas".

2 cans diced tomatoes
1 can Rotel
2 cans Ranch Style beans (or equivalent)
1 can kidney beans (drained)
1 can black beans (drained)
1 can kernal corn (drained)
1 packet taco seasoning
1 packet ranch dressing mix
1 pound ground beef, browned (you have to do a little work, you lazy bum)

Mix in pot. Heat through. Serve with crackers or tortilla chips. Bean-o optional but recommended, unless you're trying to get rid of the houseguests.

6:26 PM 0 comments

Chicken Sacrifice

First get an oblivious roomate with a substance abuse problem. Turn in early while dipshit roomie goes out drinking. Sleep peacefully until about 4am. When the stench of war rouses you from your slumber, sit up and try to make sense of what you are smelling. It will be an intense death smell that makes you wish you had a second floor fire escape. Since you don't have one of those, force yourself downstairs despite thick clouds of foul smelling smoke with tears streaming from your half awake eyes. Eject dumbass roomate from recliner using handy lever on side of chair. He will wake up somewhat but is still very drunk. As always, expect nothing useful from him and steel yourself for a trip into the source of the death fumes. Disregard the smoke alarm upstairs for now, and grab a shirt or something to use as an oven mitt. A saucepan will be emitting a plume of hellish greasy black smoke. Grab that pan and get it outside. Open a lot of windows while wondering aloud how the fuck anyone could sleep 10 feet from that. Oh, and turn off the burner which is still glowing brightly on the highest setting. Go back to bed. In the morning examine the remains in the pan on your back porch. It should look like Pompeiian archaeological dig. Foamy black shit with bits of ribcage and bone knuckles protruding from it. This was half of a chicken at one point, but your worthless roomate's drunken hubris has alchemically transformed it into an igneous fossil that is now one with the pan. Leave windows open for 7-9 weeks until you are sure the smell is not coming out of the furniture. Place furniture on curb. Serves two.

9:37 AM 0 comments
Saturday, January 25, 2003

So we're at the grocery store with 180.00 worth of stoner food in the cart and realize that we can't leave without sterno for the fondue. We ask a dudeman where it is and he sends us the next aisle over. We find cans of sterno and a metal can of 'fondue fuel'. 'Fondue fuel' is about 6 bucks a can and curious to see what makes this particlular flammable expensive I read the back and find that it is denatured alcohol. That's all it is. So we decide that we will not be ripped off for a solvent and check the pharmacy section, don't see it. We go to Walgreens and are told to go try a hardware store. So we do, We walk in and this differently abled man assists us. I ask for denatured alcohol.

Anything else?

Yeah. Matches. Long ones.

So the owner of the store is all 'matches and alcohol, eh'? and we tell him that we're making fondue. Then he asks 'Is this for the Super Bowl?'.


So all parts assembled we smoke up and fall asleep, and then it's the next day. I chop fruit, other shit happens during the day. and then it's time for dinner. The fondue pot moves from being a living room knicknack to a cooking utensil.

I practice lighting the fuel, she grates a motherlode of gruyere and emmenthaler. We realize that we have no idea how to make fondue. We ask online. People tell us to 'use linux'. I run out for wine. She figures it out. We forget the brandy, but don't notice. We eat pears and apples and french bread until she scrapes something out of the bottom of the pot. declares it burnt. gives up eating and goes for the pipe.

the end

7:21 PM 0 comments

pie and mako's stoner fries
you will need the following:
potatoes (three i think)
some sort of oil or other lubricant
one package of mccormick oven potato fries seasoning

wake up at 7am (after falling into a pot-induced stupor at 8pm the following evening) to sounds of the girl chopping up potatoes in the kitchen. get up, smoke bowl. wander out to the kitchen and read the back of the potato seasoning packet carefully. preheat the oven to 400 degrees and grease up the bottom of some sort of pan (we used glass but i think metal would work as well). throw the potato strips into a plastic bag or large bowl. giggle at mention of the word 'bowl' on mccormick seasoning packet. shake or stir potatoes around until they are coated with the seasoning. empty potatoes into the pan and bake for 30 minutes. check potatoes and find them to be undercooked. agree strongly with your cooking patner's stoner epiphany to add shredded cheese to potatoes. bake for another ten minutes (i meant the potatoes, stoner). eat cheesy fries with ketchup. best. breakfast. ever.

11:48 AM 0 comments
Friday, January 24, 2003

Procrastination Scrambled Eggs
You will need:
Real Butter
Heavy Cream
A Pot
A Metal Bowl larger than the pot

Think about what work will be like today. It's going to be hell. Decide to make eggs instead of getting to work on time. Fill the pot with about an inch of water and bring to boil. You being a little late is not going to kill the company. Put an oven mitt on your non-dominant hand and put the bowl over the pot. There should be some room for steam. Dump 3 or 4 eggs into the bowl with a pat of butter (1 Tbsp), about a tablespoon of heavy cream, and a pinch of salt. Whisk constantly while holding the bowl. Think of how cold it is outside and how miserable your commute is going to be. Scrape the edges of the bowl with the whisk and continue whisking for a few minutes until the eggs reach desired consistency. Put eggs on a roll, toast, or english muffin. Watch cartoons and think about what would happen if you never went to work again. Contemplate going back to sleep. Eventually decide to go to work but feel all warm on your way.

2:39 PM 0 comments
Thursday, January 23, 2003

When moving out of the apartment you've shared for a couple of years with an ex, be sure to rummage carefully in the large rotating shelf thingy at the corner of the countertop in your kitchen.

There, you will find a veritable treasure trove of environmentally-unfriendly individual serving boxes of cereal. A few, like Total, you'll feel tempted to throw away, cos you don't like Total, but there will be a few lovely boxes of Golden Grahams, an inordinate number of plain Cheerios, and happily, like manna from heaven, a few boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios.

When the afternoon wears thin, and you're feeling a bit noshy, but knowing that candy will not help you stay awake and alert, go ahead and open up that desk drawer, the one that's got these little boxes stacked neatly next to each other - you brought them in a couple of weeks ago for a moment just like this one, and you had forgotten about them until just now.

Rip open the top of the box, tug out the plastic bag inside, and snip the very top of the bag off with your scissors. Pour several Cheerios into your hand and toss them back like popcorn, or go the more genteel route, picking them out of the bag like little tiny multi-grain hoop-shaped bon bons.

Wash down with cold water. Or coffee.

4:40 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 22, 2003

Instead of butter, rub corn on the cob with half a lime.

The salt will stick, it tastes mag-nah-feeek (say with best French accent), and your girlfriend will totally think you're a genius.

11:36 AM 0 comments

Today's guest loser is Rosa from down under. (what the what is beetroot, people?)

Australian loser snack


1 jar of vegemite*

1 packet of lays (original flavour)

butter or equivalent



take two pieces of bread, butter both pieces of bread, on one slice smear a small amount of vegemite (beginners should use no more that a thumbnail size of the product) heap the chips onto the bread and place the other piece of bread and smush together (listen to that crunch) while eating your snack realise that you're both pathetic and sad and in addition you will also soon be fat take the rest of the snack to your bedroom and turn off lights/draw curtains and sit on your bed in the dark listening to "the cure" for the rest of the day.

*For those living outside of Australia consult your local drunk Australian (backpacker hostels are often a good place to start) to find your nearest vegemite stocked retailer

Alternative dinner for your vegetarian daughter when you make hamburgers for everyone else (aka salad sandwich)


hamburger bun

a slice of cheese

fried onions

salad stuff (lettuce, shredded carrot, cucumber, tomato etc)

a slice of canned beetroot


assemble sandwich as follows; bread, cheese, beetroot, salad, tomato, salt and pepper to taste, fried onions, then realise that you fried the onions on the grill AFTER you grilled the meat, take them off and scrap away any residue (what she doesnt know wont hurt her) place the top on the bun and serve

thanks alot mum!

6:24 AM 0 comments
Sunday, January 19, 2003

tea by guest loser prak

Boil one kettle of water.
Once the water is hot pour into a tea pot containing one of your favorite tea bags.
Wander off and forget you did this. Only return once the pot is completely cold.
Microwave tea pot to reheat it. (About ten minutes)
Wander off to bed at some point before hearing the beep.
Wake in the morning thinking about how nice a cup of tea would be. Wonder where the pot ran off to.
Sometime around lunch realize what happened and nuke tea again.
Forget while reading book. (Television, video games, or wandering off with friends also will work)
In the late evening, while trying to procrastinate something (your choice here, personally I like school work but anything
would work,) think about making a cup of tea.
Realize how sad your life is that tea has become a day and a half long ordeal.
Nuke tea.

While waiting for tea to heat start writing about this process and only at the end realize your tea finished a number of
minutes ago and now is very likely well on its way to being cold again.

9:02 PM 0 comments

Carrot Snack

1 bag of baby carrots

Take a handful of baby carrots from their safety containment bag.
Retreat to your favorite computer. Chomp heartily into one baby
carrot after another. Blissfully ignore the screams of the baby carrots
as you chew them into a pulp and swallow them. Burp!

7:53 PM 0 comments

Enchilada Casserole

I actually made my own sauce for this's amazingly quick and easy.

Enchilada Sauce:
2 tbsps vegetable oil
2 tbsps flour
1/4 chili powder
2 cups water
1/4 cup tomato sauce
salt and garlic powder to taste

Heat oil; mix in flour and cook for one minute. Add chili powder and heat for another minute before adding the water. Use a wisk to make sure lumps are out. Add tomato sauce, then salt and garlic powder to taste. Turn low and simmer for about 15-20 minutes. You can always add more water if sauce seems to thick.

Yellow Onion - diced
Meat of choice - about a pound
Corn tortillas - white or yellow, cut into thick strips
one small can of diced chili peppers
Grated cheese of choice - cheddar and/or jalepeno jack
enchilada sauce

While the sauce is simmering, cut up and cook an onion in another pan until it begins to get soft. Add and brown the meat. The meat and the sauce usually end up finishing about the same time, so then you're ready to start assembling the casserole.

Put a bit of the sauce in the bottom of a casserole-type dish. Layer your meat, the diced chilis, tortilla strips and cheese. Keep layering the sauce, beef, chilis, tortillas and cheese until you reach the top of the pan. End with a layer of the tortillas and then pour any remaining sauce over the top and sides ( you definitely don't want dry enchiladas!). Top with cheese. Heat for about 30 min. in a 350F oven. When the sauce is bubbly and the cheese is melted, you're ready to grub. I serve with a small salad - lettuce, tomato, avocado, etc - and some sour cream. Yummy.

7:28 PM 0 comments

Guest loser: Boz from grand ennui

Peanut Butter for Two (serves one)

Take the peanut butter out of the fridge.

Put it in the microwave on low for 30 seconds to make it easier to spread.

Enjoy the arc show because you didn’t get all the foil off when you opened the jar the first time.

Get four slices of bread, two of which will no doubt be heals because who remembers to buy bread with the world in crisis.

Apply the peanut butter liberally using a stainless steel knife, because all the plastic ones are broken.

Get set to pour a glass of nice cold milk when you notice the expiration date is 12-24-02, drink water instead.

Sit down in front of your computer and pretend to have witty and sparkling conversation with the picture of Shania Twain, or celebrity of your choice, that you have just downloaded from the internet.

Come to the realization that it isn’t going to get any better than this.

12:35 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 17, 2003

meltdown avoidance coffee to get me through the end of this shift
one travel mug
question microwave safeness of travel mug, heat water in styrofoam cup
pour now hot water into travel mug
add 3 teaspoons of cafe legal
this is a mexican instant coffee i got at the asian grocery store
add some non dairy creamer and one of those irish creme creamers
smoke a few marlboro lights

7:13 PM 0 comments
Thursday, January 16, 2003

1 pound ground beef
1 can cream of mushroom or golden mushroom soup
1 small container of sour cream
1 large bag extra-wide egg noodles
minced garlic

while the water for the noodles comes to a boil, do this:
heat a big deep skillet over high. toss in the garlic and sautee for a few seconds. add the beef and brown until crumbled and, well, brown. dump in the soup and a little bit of water, and mix it all up. let it simmer while you cook the noodles. add some thyme and paprika. stir in a few big dollops of sour cream. when the noodles are done, drain them and toss with a bit of butter. serve goop over noodles. wash your hands when you're done.

11:52 PM 0 comments

Post-Breakup Dinner for One
you will need:
Vanilla Ice Cream
Caramel sauce or melted caramel cubes

Buy brownies, make brownies, whatever. Nothing matters anymore. We made brownies together one time from a mix. We were both drunk but they came out great. Buy caramel in the ice cream fixins aisle at the grocery store or in starbucks. She used to get a hot chocolate at starbucks, extra hot, with whipped cream. We would sit and make fun of passersby. Put a brownie in the microwave for a minute with the jar or a small dish of caramel on the side. Then put a huge scoop of vanilla ice cream on the hot brownie. She liked vanilla. She’s probably eating vanilla ice cream with some other guy right now. Some guy who likes classical music and doesn’t mind hanging out with her stupid rich friends. Pour the caramel over the ice cream. Try to prevent tears from falling on the dish. Eat while watching her favorite show. Then finish the ice cream straight out of the container with a large spoon. I hope she rots in hell. I love her. I don’t know how I’m going to live without her. Bitch.

12:07 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
11:01 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 14, 2003

Dudes. Dudettes. My lunchbox was in the back seat of the car. All is well in pieworld.

10:44 AM 0 comments
Monday, January 13, 2003

take a whole wheat tortilla. spread half with plain cream cheese and the other half with hummus. drop some cucumber and yellow bell pepper in it.
fold in half. cut in two.
do that all over again.
pack in a ziploc thingy.
add orange, granola bar, and yogurt to the lunchbox.
top with ice packs and close

forget lunchbox at home.

it's either that or i've lost it people. i swear i had it with me when I left this morning.
this really sucks because i'm working until 10 and all I have here is instant wakame soup and pim's pear filled biscuits.

6:48 PM 0 comments
Sunday, January 12, 2003

2 packets Lipton Cheddar Broccoli Rice for Losers
1 packet hot dogs

Put the amount of water it says on the packets in a pot. Realize the packet calls for butter, which you do not have due to a tragic Act of SevenYearOld. Realize the measuring spoons are dirty and there's no hot water, due to hosing off the SevenYearOld after the butter incident. Add a random splash of oil and call it good enough. Cut the hot dogs into the oily watery faux-cheesy rice crap, put a lid over it and run to haul the kid away from where he's attempting to pull one of the hard drives out of the computer. Pull the cheesy broccoli rice hot dog casserole off the stove when you start to smell burning. Tend to where you burned yourself trying to keep the child from thrusting his hand into lava hot casserole. Feed the child and count the minutes until the little snot will fall asleep so that you can ferret through your kitchen to see if you have anything alcoholic on the shelves. Think that people who hate children might have a point.

6:48 PM 0 comments

commie pinko hippie chili

1 pound ground turkey
1 can red diced peeled tomatoes (with juice)
1 can diced peeled golden roma tomatoes (with juice)
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 can pinto beans, drained and rinsed
1 can sweet yellow corn, drained and rinsed
garlic cloves, as many as you like
fresh green chiles, as many as you can handle
chili powder
cayenne pepper
whole cumin

chop up the garlic cloves. de-seed the chiles and chop them up too. spray a great big pot with canola oil cooking spray and heat on high. toss in garlic and chiles and stir them around until they smell really good. dump in the ground turkey and cook until no longer pink. stir in some chili powder, whole cumin and cayenne pepper to taste. add canned tomatoes and two cans of water, then corn and beans. bring the whole thing up to a boil and turn down the heat 'till it simmers. cook for as long as you can stand it, stirring occasionally. serve with grated cheese and tortilla chips.

the next day: make a cheese omelet and dump re-heated chili over it. that's california style, baby.

6:33 PM 0 comments

half an onion bagel
toast it
i think my toaster oven is my favorite appliance ever
spread some cream cheese on it immediately after it's done toasting. the cream cheese will melt a bit and seep into the bagel. hurrrrr good.
top with some thinly sliced cucumbers

10:17 AM 0 comments
Saturday, January 11, 2003


one can black beans
one can chili hot beans
one can diced tomatoes ( i used brooks just for chili)
one can tomato paste
2/3 can water
one diced red bell pepper
ditto with yellow bell pepper
fresh sliced mushrooms
diced vidalia onion
your call on how much of the previous two
one brick of mori nu extra firm tofu cubed-small
put all of this in a goodwill acquired, old school, olive drab rival crock pot
cook on high for a couple of hours, stir it every once in a while
spoon into bowl, add shredded colby jack , sour cream, and green tabasco

i am accompanying this with a schlafly scotch ale

5:56 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 10, 2003

Ok, Stoner Pizza

We all love french bread pizza right? But did you know you can also make it, and not just buy it from the freezer section?

Do this:
Buy french bread, pizza sauce, some shredded mozarella.
Cut french bread in half down the middle, and then slice it in half, like a sandwich, dude
spread some sauce, put on some cheese, and some basil and other spices
put in oven at 400 for about 20 minutes.


7:19 PM 0 comments

added comments. (slow day at work!)

4:25 PM 0 comments

New friends. linked to us today.

3:48 PM 0 comments

Today's guest loser is Jean-Paul Sartre

1:27 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 07, 2003

A guest entry tonight from a fan called correa

thai monk soup


- one packet of chicken or beef ramen
- one sprig of fresh cilantro (yeah, i said sprig. so.)
- sesame oil and soy sauce (mini-packets will work)

1.) follow ingredients on ramen (or ghetto noodle brand of choice), making
sure to stir with a pair of questionable chopsticks you found in the sink. the
heat of the soup will kill any germs. also be sure to "test" one of the
noodles and scold your mouth, otherwise you may actually enjoy the rest of the

2.) turn off the heat and add the rest of the ingredients, to taste.

3.) serve in a bowl of some sort and eat with the aforementioned (still)
questionable chopsticks. make a point of leaving your saucepan, bowl and
chopsticks in the sink for someone else to wash. eventually.

8:59 PM 0 comments

Quesadillas for lazy bastards
Preheat oven to 350. Get a tortilla. Put some chopped onion you found in the fridge on it and some shredded yellow cheese, eg. asadero, jack. Also good with chopped chilis. Fold tortilla and put on oiled baking sheet. Repeat as necessary. Bake 5 minutes then serve with salsa-type product.

3:58 PM 0 comments

Dinner at the office
Must be between 9pm and 11pm
20 sugar packets
1 cup of terrible office coffee
15 mints from the secretary's jar down the hall who went home 4 hours ago and will never find out
Miscellaneous foods left in office refrigerator.

Drink terrible (but free!) office coffee quickly. Eat sugar packets to erase the taste. Eat mints, 5 at a time, until nausea sets in. Then peruse the office fridge for food items that have been left and eat everything you can find. Laugh heartily.

3:03 PM 0 comments
Monday, January 06, 2003

variation on a theme

Fry half a vidalia and half a red onion in canola with a little basil.
Put two pieces of bread side by side on the tray for the toaster oven.
Put the fried onions on top of that, then cover it all with shredded mozzarella. Put this in the toaster oven for 5 or so minutes. You now have an open face grilled cheese. Eat with knife and fork. For extra loser cred, have ketchup on the side for dipping.

7:23 PM 0 comments
Sunday, January 05, 2003

Saturday morning breakfast Pro version

Fry bacon.
Fry eggs sunnyside up in leftover bacon grease.
Make coffee.
Eat bacon with eggs. Use white (no wheat!) enriched bread to sop up the egg yolk.
Eat bread.
Drink coffee to start heart when it stops.

2:26 AM 0 comments
Saturday, January 04, 2003

saturday morning breakfast

fry bacon
drink some coffee
fry some more bacon
drink some more coffee

8:46 PM 0 comments
Friday, January 03, 2003

refrigerator gaze peanut butter surprise

Peatnut butter

When you find yourself gazing into the refrigerator and want to recover gracefully: Just reach for a spoon and scoop out a healthy dollop of peant butter. Bite, suck, and lick the peanut butter off of the spoon. Avoid biting the spoon. Makes 1 serving.

2:38 PM 0 comments

easy mac made slightly more tedious

make one packet of easy mac. wait a few minutes for the sauce to congeal.
stir in 1/2 can of baked beans.
refrigerate the rest of the can.
later, you can have another serving of easy mac and use the rest of your beans.

9:56 AM 0 comments
Thursday, January 02, 2003

Not having a real kitchen is getting me down. I finally got a stove put in this weekend, but I'm about to lose the kitchen sink for 2 weeks. Plus, I have no counter space. Ugh. Cooking? What's that? Ha! I've been living off take out food, bologna sandwiches, microwave popcorn, coffee, soda, and anything that requires ZERO effort and not more than one utensil. Seriously.

Sandwich Ingredients:
Louis Rich Low Fat Turkey Bologna
White Bread of some kind or another
Squirt or two of Mustard (French's yellow stuff)
Squish it all together; wash it down with a diet coke. I was too f-ing lazy to even add mayo cos I didn't want to dirty a knife, okay? Okay.

9:34 PM 0 comments

Excellent biscuits. Eat them with a lot of butter and your favorite jelly (I like strawberry), or with gravy, or creamed chipped beef, or whatever.

2 cups of flour
a tablespoon baking powder
a teaspoon salt
a tablespoon sugar
about 1/3 cup shortening (maybe slightly more)
about a cup of milk (maybe slightly less)

In a large bowl, mix together the flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar. A slotted spoon works fine.

Stir in the shortening, a little at a time, until the mixture looks like coarse meal. Don't be anal, but if you find any big lumps of shortening, squish them in better.

Gradually stir in milk until the dough pulls away from the side of the bowl. You might not need the whole cup, so try to make an executive decision. At this point, the dough gets pretty hard to stir and you'll briefly wonder whether this shit is really worth it. It is.

Put the dough onto a floured surface (like, the countertop, dude) and work it LIGHTLY a couple of times with your hands so that the lump of dough seems to generally stay together. You need to learn, fucker, that kneading does not a tender biscuit make, so don't overdo it. It won't be completely smooth, but will be floury and sort of unkempt-looking. Get over it.

Pat or roll the dough out to approximately 1 inch thick. Two or three rolls with the pin will get you where you want to go. This isn't rocket science. Cut biscuits out of the dough with a large cutter - at least 2" to 3" (bigger is always better, as you well know) or any large glass/plastic tumbler dipped in flour. Repeat until all dough is used. The more you work the dough, the less fluffy your biscuits will be, so the ones you cut at the end after re-rolling the dough a few times may not rise as high or be as fluffy as the first few. Do your best. They'll still taste good.

Brush off any excess flour and place biscuits onto an ungreased baking sheet.

Bake for 13 to 15 minutes in the oven that you preheated to 425 F or until they look golden brown enough for you. This is enough dough for six ex-large biscuits, if you do it right.

3:54 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, January 01, 2003

Goyim Gourmet Latke's

2 russet potatos, peeled and shredded
1 egg
some flour - you decide what is right for you my friend
1 small onion, chopped

i reccomend grabbing handfuls of the potato shreddings and squeezing the water out, then add the flour. alternately just add more flour. you are looking for a fairly dry consistency but still some moisture. crack the egg and throw it in. add that onion, joe. mix it up good.
heat up some vegetable oil in a pan, the more you use the crispier they will be i think, you could use a little and cook them like pancakes, or alot and cook them like deep fried.
serve with ketchup and for an added treat, some campbell's cream of mushroom soup !

4:27 PM 0 comments

Something like Pizzaburgers

2 Morningstar Farms pizza burgers
Fry in canola with some vidalia onion
drain on a paper tower
smother each in mozzarella cheese and aforementioned onions
put in toaster oven on 400 until the cheese melts
fit this between 2 pieces of wheat bread
drink a Rolling Rock

3:03 PM 0 comments