guest loser brad:

cooking fish always scared the shit out of me,
but this is the e-z-est recipe i've ever seen:

1) oven to 400.
2) rub a paper sack with any oil, both in and
outside. put oiled sack on a pieplate, or piece of foil,
or cooking sheet, or whatever.
3) put any kind of hunk of fish in sack.
4) throw half cup soy sauce in bag too, and
maybe some ginger...
5)10 minutes in oven.

that's it. i swear. frenchies call it "en pappioltte"
or something; i call it yummy.

don't forget to turn off the oven, loser.

From Creepy Louise:

Potato Salad. French Style( or freedom style? whatever.) Also its vegan for those who are interested.

Ingredients.
(amounts are flexible-just keep tasting it)

Small red potatoes(diced)
Mustard vinagrette
capers
diced red onions
chopped parsley ( for some flair)

Just cook the potatoes off.( Usually root vegetables if thrown into cold water are done by the time the water boils for a couple of minutes.)
WHen they are done spread them on a cookie sheet. Salt and pepper them and then douse them with the mustard vinagrette.
When they have cooled stir in the rest of the ingredients in a bowl and refrigerate until serving time.

Mustard vinagrette.
just use equal parts white vinegar and olive oil. Add dijon and salt and pepper and dried thyme til it tastes to your liking. (some people like more vinegar than others)
IMPORTANT NOTE: crappy olive oil = crappy food. Just keep that in mind.

Tomato and Basil Sandwiches

You'll need:

* Some mayo (or Nayo, but ick).

* Four slices of nice soft white bread. If your grocery store has that "Kid's Choice" white or the equivalent, grab it.

* One big red ripe tomato, sliced into approximately 6-8 slices. Don't buy that 6-pack, 99-cent, picked-green-off-the-vine shit. Pay the god-forsaken extra 20 cents for a real tomato. The best case scenario is waiting until the beginning of July and purchasing some lovely red home-grown gems from a vegetable stand, much like the one my grandparents have every year. In desperation, grocery store tomatoes must be tolerated.

* Swiss cheese. One bread-sized slice is enough for one sandwich, so you're going to need two.

* Approximately 10-12 basil leaves. Fresh basil can be found in the produce section of your local supermarket. If it cannot, you should plot a store bombing and then shop at Trader Joe's before making this recipe.

Instructions:

Put some mayo on one side of those four slices of that delicious bread.

On two slices, put a big slice of Swiss cheese.

On the other two slices, arrange 5-6 leaves of basil each to cover bread, just as if it were lettuce.

On top of the basil, lay 3-4 thick slices of tomato.

Slap those sandwich halves together and eat! You made two sandwiches because that is how many you will want to eat, minimum.

Go take a good look in the mirror. You're not a loser anymore, babes.

Seitan in a pan

Drink Anchor Steam. Play Literati. Get hungry. Take box of seitan that's been defrosting all day out of the fridge. Have no clue how to cook it. Heat up a little canola in a pan. Toss chunks of seitan in, and of course, the vidalia onion. Look, people. I LIKE ONIONS, OK? Realize seitan is not completely defrosted. Have at it with one of your decent knives and then crank the heat up a little bit on the burner. Retrieve metal spatula from sink because this is the only spatula you have left since the plastic one caught fire last week. Move stuff around in pan. You know. Look for bread. Find whole wheat pitas in freezer. Defrost a few in the microwave. Move stuff around in pan again. Open another Anchor. Slice tomato. Coat inside of pita with Nayonnaise. Lick knife. Think to self 'goddammit, I will learn to like vegan mayonnaise. The taste of this will grow on me eventually. I swear'. Dump now brown seitan and onions in pita. Toss on some tomatoes and shredded cheese. Eat. Surprise self at how good it really is.

Necanthrope claims he's not a stoner but this recipe begs to differ.

INGREDIENTS

1 package of shredded cheese, mixed, preferably of dubious age
2 soft flour tortillas
1 dollop of olive oil

Very, very lightly coat the inside of a pan with the olive oil. this is just
to slightly brown the tortillas. I personally use the same pan that I cooked
hash browns in earlier, it works well after you drain it out and wipe it
down, leaving a slight residue of oil.

Place the pan on high heat, and place the first tortilla in it. Sprinkle it
with cheese, trying not to get outside of the circle. Good luck with that.
Make it as thick as you like. I'm a huge fuckin' fatty, so I go pretty
heavy.

Place the second tortilla on top. let it cook for 2 minutes, then flip it
over with a spatula. the underside should be heavily browned by the oil.
Let cook for two more minutes. Slide onto a plate and cut into quarters.

Voila!

3 am snack for losers from Rosa

INGREDIENTS

lebanese bread
nutella ( or your favourite choc spread)
crunchy peanut butter
milk or other liquid to wash it down

METHOD

put peanut butter on one half of the bread, put nutella on the o ther half and roll up.. eat and wash down with milk (if you have been drinking large quantities of beer, milk probably wouldnt be your first choice)

From the Loser Berlin:

Pasta Baloneyesse

One box of spiral pasta.
One stick of butter.
1/2 pound bologna, sliced into small squares.

Cook the pasta in a big pot. Fry the cut up bologna. Drain the pasta, then put it back in the pot. Add a stick of butter until it melts. Then add the bologna. Stir and serve. If it is a special occassion, add parmesan cheese and use napkins.

tuna loser casserole ii
or, i'm in a goddamn hurry and granola bars just aren't cutting it for dinner anymore

first, you need one cup of minute rice and a cup of water. owning up to the fact that i have minute rice is embarrassing for me, so you should be proud of me for posting this.
dump the rice and the water in a pyrex bowl. microwave for five minutes. use this time to look for your car keys. when done, take the bowl out of the microwave and add:
one can of cream of whatever soup
one can of tuna. amazingly enough, i had no cans of tuna, but some of those somewhat less loser-like hermetically sealed foil envelopes of tuna that costs about twice as much, so i used one of those instead.

stir the mess around until it looks somewhat uniform in consistency. insert fork, cover in saran wrap and take to work.

Guest loser Caitlin:

Styrofoamkitty Banana Bread

3 over-ripe bananas
1 cup sugar
1 stick (1/2 cup) of butter (melted) -- not margarine, or it will taste like ass
1 egg
2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup chopped nuts (walnuts or pecans) or chocolate chips if you have a sweet tooth

mash bananas with a fork--they should be old and black because you bought them with all good intentions of eating healthier, but you suck, so you let them rot on the counter instead
stir in sugar until it's a gloppy mess
pour in butter, mix well
beat in egg with a fork
stir in flour and salt and baking soda just until mixed
stir in nuts or chips

generously grease and lightly flour a loaf pan, pour in batter, bake 1 hour at 325 or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean

Viola, now you are a Baking Loser.

This bread, when stale, makes awesome french toast--don't do anything but fry it in some butter on both sides and serve it up with syrup. Your pancreas will fail and you will go into congestive heart failure, but you will die happy.

the BEST bowl of cereal ever
you will need:
- box of Fruity Pebbles
- quart of heavy cream

It really should be after 1am for this recipe. Strip to pajamas and turn the lights off. Find Ron Popeil on TV.
Fill large bowl (like a salad bowl) with Fruity Pebbles. Fill with heavy cream. Microwave for 1 minute.

Repeat until you finish the entire box of Fruit Pebbles. DO NOT attempt this with any other cereal.