From Kurt:

Cooking Loser Ramen a.k.a. Male Bachelor Ramen:

1: Place package of dry ramen on counter.
2: Crush noodles with fist, taking care not to pop open the bag and scatter your potential meal.
3: open package and remove seasoning packet
4: open seasoning packet, and dump onto ramen crumbs
5: close package and shake to distrubute seasoning
6: Consume with fingers, while standing over sink, wash down with beer.

actually, this was what I, and my friends used to eat for recess when we were in the third grade

also this:
Mom is looking in the kitchen cupboards:

Mom: "What happened to all the Jello?"
Myself: "I ate it"
Mom closes door looks incredulously at myself
Mom: "You ate it?"
Myself: "I ate it for recess snack"
Mom: "Who made it?"
Myself: "No one, we just ate it"
Mom: "You just ate it right out of the box!?"
Myself: "uh huh"
Mom: "well, don't do that anymore"

Orgasm-Inducing Coconut Macaroons
One big bag of Baker's Angel Flake Coconut
one 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk
2 teaspoons vanilla

Preheat oven to 350.
mix that shit up in a big bowl. Grease a cookie sheet like your life depended on it. Seriously, you may think it's greasy enough? But it's not. Grease it some more. I like the spray-oil like Pam, only I use the organic kind because I'm a fruit. Drop the cookies onto a tray with teaspoons. Use the tines of a fork to push the errant little coconut flakes back onto the cookies. Mash them a little so they're not TOO round, but not until they're flat, either. Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until golden brown. Cool on wax paper or a cookie rack. Wipe off the cookie sheet with a paper towel and re-grease the cookie sheet for the next batch. Rinse the spatula between batches, too.

These are best after a couple of days, sitting in Glad-Ware or something. They get really chewy and yum. Enjoy!

The second oddest piece of guest loser fanmail.

Apologizing in advance,

pie

From Stu Savory, it's the

RECIPE FOR MAKING LOVE

INGREDIENTS:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana


DIRECTIONS :
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl,
working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to
knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing
bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If
banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

NOTES:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before
and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

ok people. the absolute oddest piece of fanmail yet from someone called nudgebugone@aol.com

I'm not a cooking loser. I started getting paid for cooking 35 years ago (& i'm only36 for the 15th year. My daughter is a cooking loser. She will be 25 years old May 9th. Please send her some loser cooking &( if possible some loser cleaning) advise. It would be greatfully appreciated. Her Email is Shanny4fun@aol.com. Thankyou for any ribbing you can give her!!

knock yourselves out

Buta Dofu
Pink Lotus makes this one:

I make buta dofu, which is sliced pork and tofu in a miso sauce. It's really easy and you can serve it over rice. If you're veggie, take out the pork and add some spinach.

• Brown meat.
• Deglaze pan with sake.
• Combine 1/4 c. miso with 1/4 or so of water.
• Add cubed tofu to pan with spinach.
• Pour miso over tofu.
• Add a tblsp. or more of soy sauce (and a little more sake).
• Cook until everything's warm.

Tofu & Rice
Put 1 cup rice on to boil with 2 cups water. Put a little salt in there, cover it with a lid, when it starts to boil, put the heat on so low, it's almost out. Don't stir the rice. Steam for 20 minutes, or until done. (I like brown rice, but it takes 40 minutes, and we are losers, so screw that.)
While rice is steaming:

• Oven to 350. Pour a little oil into a cookie sheet that's got sides on it---roll the pan around so the oil coats evenly, or use that Pam cooking spray. Let it heat up in the oven.
  
• Mix up some curry powder with some loose bullion powder (of your choosing--I prefer vegetarian beef) (you can use salt and pepper if you are lame) in a big plastic baggie.
  
• Drain a cube of Firm Tofu. Wrap it in a clean kitchen towel and gently press the excess water out of the tofu block.
  
• Cut the tofu into strips or cubes. Put it in the baggie. Shake, shake, shake your booty.
  
• Arrange the tofu strips / cubes on the hot oil tray so that they're not touching. The tofu should sizzle when you put it on the tray.
  
• Bake for about 5-10 minutes, until the bottoms start to look browned and crispy. Turn with a spatula at this point. Cook another 5 minutes to brown the other side.
  
• Remove and drain on paper towels.
  
• Turn the oven off.
  
• Check the rice.
• Throw some frozen broccoli in a bowl. Salt it, throw a pat of butter on top. Nuke it for 2-3 minutes.
  

Voila. Baked curry tofu, rice and broccoli. You will be a cooking loser no more.

Warm, soggy, cereal

Cereal
milk
Coke(tm) or similar.

Wake up at crack of 2:30pm. Wander to kitchen for breakfast. Take a swig of Coke(tm) to wake up. Set a bowl on counter, pour in cereal, add milk. Pat down cereal with spoon to ensure all cereal is in milk. Leave kitchen. Work/play on computer until 6:15pm. Remember about cereal. Announce intentions to go eat cereal on your favorite computer world. Cave in to pressure to post recipe on the web. Spend 15 minutes looking for password. Spend 7.8 minutes writing recipe. Hope the cats haven't licked the milk out of your cereal when you eventually get back to the kitchen.

From Rosie:


So I had a girlie night with a friend who recently dumped her boyfriend so we could have dinner, wine, and whine. In the end, we chronically dieting girls nixed the honey glazed salmon with shiitakes and sesame spinach in favor for nachos and beer. Low fat nachos and light beer, but good nonetheless.

Nachos for Nuerotics:

1/2 bag good nacho chips
1 can low fat turkey chili (Trader Joe's preferred)
1 heap of guacamole for cheaters (mash two avocados, one jalapeno, a fist full of chopped oregano, and a dollop op salsa)
light or fat free sour cream
salsa
jalapenos
olives

Put a layer of chips in casserole dish. Sprinkle with cheese and pretend it is soy cheese. More chips. More cheese. Microwave chili until hot and pour on top of chips and cheese. Put in pre-heated 350 degree oven for about a beer (ten minutes? a little less?). Remove from oven and top with all other goo. Drink with light beer and feel proud that you have convinced yourself you are eating light and it only SEEMS unhealthy!

Discordians. Losers.

This is a traditional Discordian ritual cake that's been around for many years. Eris won't mind if you make it for non-ritualistic purposes though.
She told me so.

ERISIAN HOLY RUM CAKE
for use in all rituals

1 or 2 quarts rum
baking powder
1c. butter
1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar
lemon juice
2 large eggs
brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts
screwdriver

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn t it? Now go
ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again.
It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With
an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon
of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest
quality try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs,
2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for
tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn t matter
which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped
butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever
color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees.
Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to
bed.