Poor Man's Tiramisu from Panacea

Take two slices stale Wonder Bread (or other disgustingly soft, white
bread that you know is made with paste instead of whatever they put
in health food bread). Toast lightly. If it's stale enough, you
don't have to toast it at all.

Spread Nutella (tm) or other chocolate spread on one piece of bread.
Spread cream cheese on the other. You could use mascarpone but
you're a poor loser and that shit is expensive, so philly will do.

Assemble sandwich with the sticky sides in. If you can't figure out
how to do this, you are more of a loser than I thought.

Cut sandwich into three or four "fingers" and dunk in cold coffee, as
strong as you can get it. Play Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian
Restaurant" in the background and pretend you are there.

Supah Easy Hummus

Ingredients:

One can garbanzo beans
At least part of a bulb of garlic. Or, if you're going for total loser, a jar of that minced/crushed garlic
A lemon, if you really care
A jar of tahini sauce (you can find it most places now. take a look in the 'ethnic' sections of your major-chain grocery store.)
Olive oil
Paprika
Carrots and/or pita bread and/or bagel chips and/or sourdough bread

Open can of garbanzo beans. Leave lid in place as you strain water into a good-sized bowl. Dump beans sans bean water into blender. Open jar of tahini. Take a spoon and glop in one or two spoonfuls into blender. Ratio? I dunno. Go easy on the tahini. It tastes bland and all, but it really takes over if you use too much. I'd say if you've got a medium-sized can of garbanzos (chickpeas, in case you don't know they're the same thing), a heaping tablespoon (or big spoon out of your flatware drawer) should do you fine for now. Take a little of the bean water and pour it into the blender. Not too much. Take garlic cloves, like maybe two or three smallish ones for one can of garbanzos, crush them, put mushy garlic in blender. If you're using pre-crushed stuff, about a teaspoon is good. Or, like, twice as much as what you'd put on your toothpaste if the garlic were toothpaste. Remember, you can taste it later and add more if you need.

Blend it! Aww yeah, blend blend blend. Get a long-handled spoon to mush the whole beans down in case it all gets mucked up and stuck down by the blades. Add a little more bean water if it's really cement-like, but not too much! Blend until it's the consistency of oatmeal, and then squeeze the juice of 1/3 of a nice-sized lemon into it. Blend until fairly smooth, but lumps are OK.

Scoop hummus onto a shallow bowl or platter, and smoosh it with the flat of a spoon until it's all even - you can get fancy and kinda make ridged patterns across the top like you'd do with frosting a cake. Take your bottle of olive oil and sploosh a little across the surface of the hummus. Not too much! Then dust with paprika.

Wow, it looks so nice! Scoop it up with baby carrots or pita bread, or even toast up some sourdough and use it as a spread on that. You can even make sandwiches with it, you know, cut up a red onion, get some sprouts, a slice of a soft white cheese, maybe some turkey ...

Chocolate Pound Cake
From The Church Ladies' Divine Desserts book, which you should go buy because you wish you cooked like a southern baptist black woman. (Reprinted completely without permission, but really, go buy that book.)

2 sticks butter
1/2 cup shortening
3 cups sugar
5 large eggs
6 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
pinch of salt
1 cup whole milk
1 tablespoon vanilla
powdered sugar

Preheat the oven to 325.
Cream together the butter, shortening, sugar and eggs in a gigantic mixing bowl. Seriously, find a really big one, you'll thank me for this later. Use an electric mixer and beat until creamy.
In a small bowl, combine the milk and vanilla.
In a medium bowl, sift together the cocoa, flour, baking powder and salt.
Add a third of the dry ingredients to the butter mixture, beating with the mixer until combined.
Add a third of the milk mixture to the butter mixture. Beat well. Keep alternating the flour and milk mixture to the batter until it's all combined.
Grease and flour a large Bundt pan. Pour in the batter. Bake 1 hour, 15 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
Cool slightly, remove from pan. Sift powdered sugar over the cake.
Serve to your rich granny and she'll die happy and leave you all her money.

I'm baking this cake right now, and after licking the batter off my finger, I think I came a little. I'm not joking.
xo styro.