Super-Easy and Delicious Chocolate Chip Bundt Cake

This is a cheap and easy recipe that will impress your friends:

1 Duncan Hines yellow cake mix (The "Butter Recipe Golden" works well)
4 eggs
3/4 cup vegetable oil
3/4 cup water
1 small tub of sour cream
1 package mini chocolate chips
1 small package instant chocolate pudding mix

Combine all ingredients in large bowl. Mix until ingredients are well blended. Bake in a greased bundt pan at 325 for 1 hour.

Thanks for letting me join the cooking losers!

Loaves and Fishes (feeds 1, not 5000)

Pull package of Tilapia out of freezer. It's the kind in the blue packaging. Note that on the back is a blurb that this is the fish the Jesus H. Christ himself used at the loaves and fishes hoedown in Galilee a few years ago. Wonder if the company is run by fundamentalists. Wonder why you bothered going grocery shopping if this is really going to make that much.

Also note that you don't really know how to make fish. But the first step is defrosting, so you set it in a bowl of water for a while. While waiting on that, dig through fridge for side dishes. Find a package of store brand crescent rolls that expired in December. Figure they won't kill you if they have to be baked at 375 degrees.

Hey! The fish has thawed. Pull out largest frying pan you have and toss some olive oil and roasted garlic in there. Get it warming up on low heat. Beat one egg and a little milk in a bowl . NO NO NO, don't drink it. Dip the fish in there and then in some of those Progresso Dago Breadcrumbs in the blue can. Not in the blue can itself, but on a plate. Get the fish slowly frying in the pan and preheat the oven. While preheating, hear something pop. It's the rolls, because you set them on top of a preheating oven. Consider a few of them a casualty and arrange the rest on an airbake sheet and shove it in the oven. Turn the fish. Wait a bit. Pour self glass of milk. Fish is done!. Drain them on a few paper towels.

Now, using the olive oil and garlic still in the pan, toss in a bucket of mushrooms that were about to go anyway and some red onion. Crank the heat to HOT HOT HOT and when the onions are about carmelized, the rolls are finished, and there you have it. Dinner.

Grab Brita pitcher out of fridge. Pour into goblet stolen from an ex boyfriend. Notice that it doesn't turn into wine.

whole roasted chicken with lemon, parsely and garlic

ingredients:

1 small roasting chicken, whole
1 lemon, sliced thinly
2 cups parsley, stemless
3 cloves garlic, minced
butter
salt and pepper

preheat oven to 425°F

wash chicken and cavity, removing neck, gizzards, etc. season inside of cavity with salt and pepper.

using a knife if needed, pull the skin away from the meat, but don't remove it. stuff the skin with minced garlic, parsley and lemon slices. fill as much of the skin as possible. brush the outside of the chicken with butter, season with salt and pepper, and put in the oven.

cook on one side for 35-45 minutes, basting with either butter, its own juices or both. carefully turn over and continue cooking (another 25-35 minutes usually) basting at least once. remove when juices run clear and skin is golden brown. let cool, and serve.

*this is so simple, easy, smells and tastes delicious, and gives people the impression you are skilled in the kitchen. though the cooking time is long, it affords you the chance to make side dishes, drink copious amounts of white wine, or chat.

Squash!

Take a pyrex baking dish or sturdy cookie sheet and spray it evenly for five seconds with Pam butter cooking spray.

Preheat oven to 400°F.

Cut one acorn squash and one butternut squash lengthwise. Find a knife with a bit of a serrated edge, or else you will find yourself with a handy new weapon called Knife-cum-squash as the sharp single blade seals itself inside the hard rind. Once you've more or less split those fuckers in half, take a spoon and scoop out the near pumpkin-like seeds and dump them into the trash.

Lay each half fleshy side down in the baking dish/sheet. Slide dish/tray into oven. Set timer for 40 minutes, or go watch an episode of the X-Files you have on tape, fast-forwarding through the commercials, natch.

At 40 minutes, turn the halves over so their fleshy underbellies show to the sky. Go another ten minutes at full blast.

Bring the dish/sheet out, and let cool for one or two minutes. Pinning down the halves carefully with a fork, scoop out the mushy (cooked sweet potato consistency) insides onto your plate. Salt, pepper, cinnamon, brown sugar, whatever you think might go well with this somewhat sweet squash. Me, I didn't have brown sugar, and I like savory, so after the cinnamon, I added a really tiny pinch of ground cumin. Whatever floats your boat. Add a bit of some butter product (or sour cream, if you want the baked potato effect), and dig in.

It's quite filling. Very healthy. I really shouldn't have posted something so healthy to this blog. Sorry about that. It won't happen again. Add more sour cream to the damn squash if you're a true cooking loser. More butter, more syrup.

DAYMENTED'S LUNCH AT WORK
a tomato and an avocado.
Chop up both, put in bowl, add salt & pepper.

If I'm special and have un-moldy bread, I'll mush up the above and add a slice of pepperjack cheese and there's a sandwich.
It's better with toasted bread, but we don't have a toaster at work.

Sesame Noodles
Cook noodles to package directions

in a bowl, whisk together:
3 tablespoons sesame oil
1 tablespoon rice wine vinegar
1 tablespoon fish sauce
1 tablespoon vietnamese chili garlic sauce
1 teaspoon fresh grated ginger
2 tablespoons asian sweet sauce, or 1 tablespoon sugar
juice of 1/2 fresh lime

stir noodles in sauce. Add more ingredients to taste. Let stand at room temp, sprinkle with fresh grated cucumber and sesame seeds. YUM!

The German's Salad Dressing
Whenever we have the German's over for dinner, they bring the salad. I finally asked them for the recipe.

Lots of ripped greens and spinach
Chopped onion and/or tomato if so desired
Crumbled feta
(I add dried cranberries and grilled steak, but that's just me)

Toss in a dressing made of:

2 parts olive oil
1 part balsamic
a dash of cream
a dash of honey
salt & pepper

(put the dressing ingredients into a small tupperware and shake it up, modify to taste)